Keep Snapping

Authentically Surviving a National Professional Conference

Beware. This is a massive post with a lot of feels.

*          *          *

My goal in attending the over 5,000-attendee national Student Affairs Administrators in Higher Educaiton (NASPA) conference in Baltimore, Maryland was to attend as an authentic student leader. My goal was not to get a job—like many of those attending for the Placement Exchange. My goal was not to gain a million Twitter followers. My goal was not to be anything I wasn’t. My goal was not to hide.

I wanted to be myself—that phrase we always tell our students to embrace.

And myself can be a bit much sometimes, and I recognize that.

Those who met me at NASPA quickly learned this.

So, I packed my bag—some flannel, some T-shirts, a vest, a cardigan, two dress shirts, a bow-tie, slacks, jeans and two pairs of shoes—I also packed food and some work out gear, but hardly had time for either.

And honestly, the dress shirts and bow-tie never saw the conference because I wasn’t feeling it. I brought them in case I felt the urge to have some fun with dress up time; yet, the time never came. I wanted to be comfortable throughout the conference experience and dressing up to fit in with the rest of the frame felt too forced to me. So I didn’t do it—

[Note: I’ll get to my reasoning later in a conclusion I originally wrote to be the intro to this piece, but felt it landed better as an ending. You can totally skip to it right now by going to the next section starting with a bold italic note and I wouldn’t even be offended or surprised. Sort of like a choose your own adventure! I write too much sometimes—this post being one of those times.]

Opening night of NASPA with Bethany and Jack!
(Picture stolen from Jack)

After the six-hour drive to Baltimore with my two cohort colleagues, Nadia and Ashrita, we found our hotel, unloaded our things—I took a quick nap—and then we made our way to the conference. Upon arrival, I sought out some Twitter folks, Bethany Tuller (@BethanyTuller) and Jack Korpob (@JackKorpob), because I knew they were there and I knew this conference was going to happen because of Twitter. It was great to finally meet them and discuss our lives as fellow #SAGrad.

This was the first national conference I’ve attended since what I’ve considered the mass influx of Twitter in Student Affairs over the past two years. So, to me, NASPA meant putting a lot of Twitter handles to faces! And that’s exactly what happened. I ran into so many incredible people that I’ve interacted with throughout the last two years or so and finally got to meet them face to face. It was truly inspiring to see how well Social Media functioned in making introductions easier for us at NASPA.

Josie and I posing with the #SAChat pillow!

We had #SAChat tweet ups, which were great to meet so many more folks that I’ve known virtually and could now know personally—mystical creatures like Lisa Endersby (@LMEndersby), Joe Sabado (@JoeSabado), James Frier (@JSFrier), Joe Ginese (@JoeGinese), Mairead KIernan (@Parade_withan_M), Amma Marfo (@AmmaMarfo), Matthew McGrath (@MMcGrath528) and the wonderful, Josie Ahlquist (@JosieAhlquist). Josie and I even got to offer folks the opportunity to take pictures with the #SAChat pillow! It was a wonderful opportunity to finally have human interactions with people who actually do exist and truly hold great insights and feelings toward this field. And the coolest part of the Twitter aspect of #NASPA14 is that we trended!! It was obvious once we started getting hackers…

Combatting those Twitter hackers/spammers by blocking and reporting spam became part of my role as I supported the Innovation Lab at NASPA for both Monday and Tuesday. The Innovation Lab was a great opportunity to teach and learn about how technology and social media play a massive role in our work at higher education and student affairs professionals. I helped people learn more about many aspects of social media and even signed a few folks up for their own very first Twitter accounts—including the chair of the NASPA conference, Frank Lamas (@LamasVPSA)!

Helping out at the Innovation Lab!

This opportunity allowed me to socialize and discuss with many student affairs folks and fellow #SAGrads about how we can integrate a more functioning and informed community through the advancements in technology and social media.

I was also able to represent the new NASPA Knowledge Community on Socioeconomic and Class Issues in Higher Education, which merely days old when NASPA began. So this was our first opportunity to reach out to institutions to share the vision we all have for bringing this KC into collaboration with all other KCs in hopes of truly demonstrating how many of the issues our students face are transferable through these issues of SES and class.

My attire on Day 02 of NASPA, when the tattoo article published.

Something unique about my stay at NASPA was that I contributed an article to the ACPA Men and Masculinities blog that published on the Monday of NASPA. The article focuses on tattoos in higher education. A day after the article published and was circulating around the interwebs, people were coming up to me at the conference to talk to me about the article and to talk about my tattoos—which were unhidden throughout the most of the conference. This was a great form of validation for my writing and for my pursuit to live and function as an authentic leader.

This was such a bizarre feeling because I came to NASPA with specific people that I wanted to make sure I either met for the first time, or got to connect with from my past. Getting to connect with my former mentors from Oregon State University, Mamta Accapadi (@MamtaAccapadi) and Larry Roper (@LarryRoper), was incredible—while both were in passing, they each imparted quick bits of knowledge upon me that made everything worth it.

Getting to meet up with Larry Roper (L) and
Chris Van Drimmelen (R) was much needed.

I also got to reconnect many times with my good friend, Chris Van Drimmelen (@CVanDrimmelen), who is finishing up his #SAGrad right now at Seattle University. He and I spent much time together during our undergrad at Oregon State and it was great to share ideas about higher education and reflect on how our lives have changed since running student government during our undergrad. We’re getting old.

Meeting up with the multi-talented jet-setting blogosphere champion, Eric Stoller (@EricStoller), was also quite the treat. Hearing him reflect on his perspectives of technology in higher education as well as how we must challenge the frame to make any true change in this field really resonated with me. He also spent much time at Oregon State, so it was great to discuss life in the Pacific Northwest with someone as perceptive as he—someone so perceptive that he pointed out the exclamation point at the end of my name on my nametag in the middle of his presentation session.

This exclamation point came up again during my opportunity to meet my future employers for the summer as I head back to the Baltimore area to work at Towson University. I met my future supervisors from Towson, one of which commented on my exclamation point—to which I said, “Well, I’m like a human exclamation point!” To which she responded, “That’s great—because you’ll be working with many human exclamation points!” It made me feel very comforted that I will have a welcoming community of professionals to work with for a few months.

Of course there were sessions that I attended! I learned a lot about how to challenge and approach best practices when supporting/creating an organization. I learned a lot about how to support college men through meaningful dialogue during a very lively discussion. I learned about how to support a campus that suffers from repeated sexual assault.

I attended Wes Moore’s opening keynote that started the conference off with a bang with his plea for us to engage our students in more than just their educational experience during college and to support them in extracurriculars. This sentiment also resonated with professional staff as Moore pontificated that, “when it’s time to leave here…make sure that it mattered that you were ever even here.”

Moore’s keynote was a breath of fresh air. And then I reached the closing ceremony and encountered Jon Lovett’s closing keynote speech. Lovett, President Obama’s formerspeech writer, is a hilarious man with a lot of knowledge. He spoke from a podium in a hoodie—I, too, was wearing a hoodie that day. In solidarity, of course. Lovett is a young man with a vision of authenticity that resonated with me unlike anything I’d ever heard. Among other brilliant words he spoke, Lovett called for a “renaissance of integrity” in which those of us in leadership/administrative roles can influence the pivotal college years of young people and inspire them to do great things by simply staying true to ourselves as role models.

Jon Lovett: Pretty chill role model if you ask me.

And I was tweeting and snapping my fingers along with Lovett every step of the way. For those unaware, snapping is generally done when agreeing with what someone is saying, to encourage them and hopefully motivate them to continue exploring the roll they're on. My fingers couldn't snap fast enough for Lovett's speech. It was a blast to be fueled with such invigoration for change in this field. I had to share my support on the Twittersphere. It felt great to feel validated yet again by this keynote that was supporting every claim I’ve made throughout my time in student leadership and into being a higher education paraprofessional.

And then Lovett said he had time for one question.

So I walked to the mic.

I thanked him for saying what we all needed to hear and said that I had only one question to ask.

It was a simple question—can I shake your hand?

And he said of course, and shook my hand in front of everyone.

I wanted to shake his hand because he was preaching exactly the words I wanted to preach. He was expressing every frustration I’ve ever felt and everyone in the room was listening to it. I wanted to shake his hand because for the lesson of authenticity he shared, I felt I had been living it throughout this conference. I wanted to shake his hand because it was incredible to see someone so well-respected—someone who essentially helped our president get elected—get such a great response to what I was living out.

During this massive Twitter explosion spurred by my tenacity for everything Jon Lovett had to say, the NASPA folks contacted me on Twitter and informed the public that I was to be acknowledge for my Twitter participation through the conference. When I strolled into their office, I was greeted with loud snaps and excited cheers and they informed me that I had won a Best Tweeter award for consistently engaging people throughout the conference on Twitter—especially for my contributions to the conversation around Lovett’s closing speech. They even put me in the closing blog post for the event!

I told the staff this felt like one of the oddest forms of validation in our field, but I’ll take it! Given the work I put in with the Innovation Lab and through engaging folks online, I felt it was a great token of support in moving forward with this career. Especially since I felt I was validated while functioning as my 100% authentic self. As I left, the group told me to "Keep Snapping," something that will always stick with me.

It meant everything to me.

Me on the final day posing with the NASPA
staff after winning Best Tweeter

[Note: This is where you could have/should have/would have jumped forward if you wanted to avoid all that self-indulgent talk of my NASPA explorations.]

Much of my decision to avoid professional attire was two-fold. Firstly, the decision came on the heels of having to finish a paper while attending the conference, so I had that lingering over me; so, for as much as I wanted to feel like a paraprofessional at this conference—I was certainly attending as a student.

Secondly, my word of the year for 2014 is Risk.

So I wanted to take a risk and take this tiny decision—seemingly simple to me—something vastly beyond what anyone else did for this conference, and try it out. It was wonderfully embraced by those I came into contact with. People were open to discuss the true functionality of how supporting authenticity can operate even within student affairs professionals and budding professionals like myself.

Because if student affairs professionals are to support authenticity in our students, we are hypocrites if we don’t live it out ourselves.

Dressing up during that conference, to me, would have felt like I was lying to myself. I am not a professional. Yet. Even when I become one, that doesn't mean I am going to give in to the suits every day! I am still very much a student functioning in a role that serves other students. Sure, I am graduate student, but I don't see how that slight disconnect changes anything for me. I want to be approachable for my students and I want them to be comfortable with me. Some attire choices may send the message that I am above them and I do not want that. And is that the message we should send our students?—some of which who literally cannot afford "interview clothes"/"business clothes." Therefore, I cannot present myself as someone above what I truly am—a student. With this, I chose the shirts, the jeans, the flannel—I chose comfort over conformity.

And this isn’t bashing professional attire whatsoever—if you are comfortable wearing suits and ties all day, by all means. Do it. Do you. I honestly feel I “clean up well” when I feel comfortable enough to rock some slacks and a bow-tie one day and flannel with a beanie the next day. I can do it. I just don’t choose to do so every day. And shouldn't feel forced to do so, either.

I think I clean up well. Check out the bowtie!

So please don’t expect conformity from those who would not operate authentically, for example, in a suit. The judgment of whether someone cares/respects about a specific job or conference or interaction based on how they dress does not make sense to me—and is also a function of class oppression. I paid my own money to attend this conference. I purposely drove six hours to this conference. I obviously care. I have dedicated myself to this field. I wouldn’t attend if I didn’t care. I wouldn’t keep myself up at night obsessing over how to support my students better if I didn’t respect this field. But I don’t need to do all of that while wearing a tie or a freshly pressed shirt.

Mandating or simply expecting "appropriate"/business attire isn’t a sign of ultimate respect. "Appropriate"/business attire is the sign of conformity that functions as the byproduct of privilege and oppression—the control of the ruling class to keep the oppressed class in check by expecting them to dress a certain way to function and be successful in society.

Believe me, I recognize this discussion enters a realm of white male privilege that functions MUCH differently for me than it does across race, class, and gender lines—because this is an essential facet to acknowledge. But that’s for a future post I plan to write using some of this material and actual scholarly work to support my outlandish/anarchist views.

Consider this a call to arms in which I truly feel there truly needs to be an insurgence in the way we consider professional attire/business attire/business casual. This rethinking will benefit of our students and their authenticity, it will benefit of ourselves and our own authenticity, and it will benefit our field—which already stands as a community filled with the most unique and inspiring people in the world.

I drove six-and-a-half hours south to Baltimore to hang out with a bunch of student affairs professionals and all I got was validation, incredible learning experiences, and an awesome hoodie. So, you know, all in all, it was a great trip.

-Craig.

[ACPA GUEST POST] Skin Deep: On Being a Tattooed Man in Higher Education

Hi all!

I know I was absent from posting on my own blog last week. This was due in part to attending the NASPA Conference in Baltimore over spring break, and due to me having a guest blog post on the ACPA (American College Personnel Association) Men and Masculinities Blog.

I wrote a post titled, "Skin Deep: On Being a Tattooed Man in Higher Education."
And it kinda took off, so that was cool.

In fact, I will post the link to their page here:

http://acpascmm.blogspot.com/2014/03/skin-deep-on-being-tattooed-man-in.html


Make sure to also follow them on Twitter:
@ACPA_SCM


And to tease your intrigue, here are a few of my favorite quotes from the piece itself.

"Further, living in a society that already suppresses male emotions, tattoos can be an essential form of personal authenticity and expression. However, the long discourse has been that, in order to move up in the world, men must cover themselves in business attire to be taken seriously among other administrative men. This is unacceptable because forcing men—across race, class, and sexual orientation; including women—to dress a certain way to be accepted perpetuates systematic oppression of authenticity."


"Tattoos are therapy—representative of our past, our present, and future—and allow men to create tributes to our mothers, fathers, wives, children, struggles and/or successes in life, appreciation of music, art, and literature. If society and/or academia suppress men from expressing their emotions by literally wearing their heart on their sleeve, then where can men express ourselves fully authentically?"

"There is always a story.

Students engage in this story. Students are curious to learn the significance of each of my pieces. Students often ask how many tattoos I have—I truly have no idea anymore—so I respond with my hour/sit ratio. (Note: I’ve sat 20 times for 55 hours.) With these tattoos, I make connections with students. I am human to them. I am authentic to them because I am not hiding."

"I unapologetically identify with tattoo culture and I am proud to be a future student affairs professional. My only hope is that this will begin the conversation for institutions and supervisors to rethink how we think and view men with tattoos in higher education. There is already a great deal of change taking place in higher education and I see more acceptance of tattoos—which is great—but I will not feel tattoos are truly accepted until the day I no longer have to hear someone explain that they must strategically place a tattoo so it doesn't show at their work.

Get tattooed. Share your story."

Enjoy!!

And prepare for my next post on my NASPA experience!

-Craig.

Join me in dialogue:

@CrigBididman

This Band is so Gay!

A Lesson in Homophobia and Performative Masculinity in the Metal Music Scene

[TRIGGER WARNING: Homophobic language.]

I had to sign a waiver before I entered the venue.

That’s how I could tell this was going to be a great metal show.

Amid the musk of body odor and PBR, through the swaying bodies of beard, flannel, gauges, and tattooed fists, I found my way to the pole in the middle of the floor—there’s always a pole.  It supports me through most metal shows, which often take their toll on my body after a few bands.

I was nodding along to the opening act, giving them some credit for playing what appeared to be a hard to please Clifton Park, NY crowd. And boy was I right.

Between the Buried and Me was the headlining act.

I love those guys. They prove vegans can kick ass.

The crowd was overwhelmingly a BTBAM crowd. It seemed there was little room to be impressed.

Which brings me to right before BTBAM when deafheaven performed, which is the band I truly came to see, seeing as I'd been to a number of BTBAM shows in the past. Deafheaven released what I considered the most important metal album last year, Sunbather, on what I consider to be the most important record label today, Deathwish Records. The band combines beautiful atmospheric elements of Explosions in the Sky with the power and shear brutality of black metal.

However, their sound hasn’t been completely accepted among metal purists because it is too atmospheric and uplifting at times while the lyrics are screamed completely incoherently to the untrained ear.

I was in love with their opening number, “Dream House,” the first track on the aforementioned, Sunbather. The track has so many elements of dynamic emotion and raw, heinous, unbridled metal. After the euphoria of the nine-minute epic, I was given a chance to breathe.

That’s when I heard it.

George Clarke of deafheaven consistently brings a dynamic performance.

“This band is so gay!”

The man who said it resembled a young Rutherford B. Hayes—with one full sleeve of tattoos, a Bud Light, and an unkempt beard. I turned my head immediately and responded, “Not cool, bro.” He smirked at me and said some other unsavory words. The next song, my favorite song, started, so I turned my attention back to the stage.

Ten minutes passed as I enjoyed the next song—however, I couldn’t enjoy it because of what that man said about deafheaven. I wasn’t okay with it.

I’ve heard disparaging statements like this many times at many shows. I often let it slide because it’s whatever. I know that music doesn’t have a sexual orientation. I know that people say things like this out of ignorance. But I couldn’t let this one slide.

When their set ended, I turned to the dude and asked him to explain why he said what he said. He didn’t give me a straight answer. Well, he did and he didn’t.

“They aren’t even metal—it’s hipster bullshit. They don't belong here.” he told me. I turned my head, confusingly, “and what does that even have to do with sexual orientation?”

“Don’t be so sensitive, dude,” he told me.

Sensitive? Obviously this dude didn’t know me or my history of allyship.

He said, "they don't belong here" and all that flashed in front of my face was the discrimination of the Civil Rights movement, the women's suffrage movement, and even today in places like Arizona and Kansas, where homosexuals have recently had legislature proposed to ban them from certain services. Situations like this are moments for learning and for growth. So that's what I wanted to do.

I kindly and coolly explained to him and his snickering friends the reality of his words, the reality of the persecution those, like me, in the LGBTQ+ community face every day because of people tactlessly throwing around abusive language like that. 

I obviously didn't want to cause a scene--the man was bigger than me--yet, I simply wanted to make a point that men shouldn't be afraid to call out other men when we hear offensive and abusive language that disenfranchises other men.

He sipped his beer, obviously annoyed to have been called out.

 

Album cover for deafheaven's album, Sunbather, released June 11, 2013.

“Well, they have this faggot-ass pink album cover,” he told me after a long drag on his Bud Light.

“Oh, and pink isn’t metal?” I respond.

“No. It’s fucking gay.” He said.

Classic gender roles on display right there. Pink isn’t masculine. Are we still at that point in history? Boys are blue and girls are pink? I’m tired of that form of gender role association.

Yes, deafheaven’s new album, Sunbather, has an all-pink cover. And no, it is in no way homosexual. In fact, I praise the high level of irony and beauty the cover brings to the metal scene. I have a sticker of the album cover on my water bottle. I see the album cover every day. Also, the vinyl release for this record is also all pink! It’s quite wonderful to hear such rawness emanating from a pink vinyl record.

The fact that deafheaven is willing to present themselves with such allure, such care for their sound and release their tunes behind a gender role-shattering album cover makes me so proud to be their fan. Sure, that probably wasn’t their point and they may never read this, but I felt the need to stand up to the man who made such a bigoted comment in regard to something he doesn’t understand.

Japan's Baby Metal is an example of brilliant intersectional
metal the crosses gender and musical stereotypes.

Dudes often use offensive and derogative language when confronted with anything they don’t understand. That is in no way excusable. Men who talk and act like this at shows give metal a bad name, give men a bad name, and make me ashamed to identify in either category. I’m tired of this gross lack of respect for art and sexual identity.

“I’d rather be water-boarded than listen to this band again.”

After the show, my friend told me he had heard another person in the crowd say that in reference to deafheaven as the flamboyant vocalist, George Clarke, kissed the crowd goodnight and walked offstage.

I was shocked beyond compare—almost more than the homophobic slur because this was purely an instance where absurd hyperbole is at play, and ignorant stupidity is at fault. While the metal scene is largely based around hyperbolic epic lyrics and language, so too is its fan’s reactions to acts they do not like.

Music is an artform of sound, harmony, beats that fall into varying genres, subgenres and postgenres—of which some styles don’t appeal to everyone. And that’s fine. Yet, what this deeper demonstrates is the power and gross misuse of language.

What it all comes down to is that whatever band it is, the band really doesn’t matter—this applies to any band in any genre at any show, anywhere. What matters is that we, as concertgoers, act as active bystanders when we hear potential harmful language, see harmful actions, and speak up!

I call for all concertgoers to intervene in any of these situations—like I did—stand up for the voiceless, be willing to confront ignorance and disrespect. Because if you won’t, who will?

I’m not sure this will resonate with all readers; yet, this is something that reaches far beyond music—it happens everywhere. That doesn’t mean we must tolerate this sort of behavior.

Speak up in the face of disrespect.

Lemme know your thoughts!

Be well, all.

- Craig.

Join me in dialogue:

@CrigBididman

                                                              

We Are Not Authentic

The role of vulnerability & insecurity in 1) surviving life and 2) in the realm of interviewing in Higher Education

My typical #SAChat setup.

Last week’s #SAChat topic was authenticity and vulnerability.

I had already started writing this blog post when this topic was announced, so I was excited to get to work on the #SAChat live-tweet forum—however, I ultimately came back to what I had written and deleted everything.

I wasn’t confident in what I had written.

I was trying too hard to say the right things to make myself sound like an “authentic” future student affairs professional—when in reality, I was just saying what I thought I was supposed to be saying.

Intentional this, social justice that; self-care this, engagement that.

I wasn’t being authentic.

Authentic!—there’s the word of the week.

The contradiction I saw throughout the #SAChat conversation last week was that people didn’t seem to understand what it really meant to be “authentic” in the context of vulnerability. Nor did I—until I thought further about it throughout the day, into the weekend, and on my long drive to/from Providence for some rasslin on Sunday.

The answer I arrived at was simply that we are different people in different situations. And that’s okay. We don’t need to be ourselves all of the time. Regardless of how you put it, or if you’re even willing to admit it—we are not truly authentic all of the time.

I will say that one more time:

We. Are not. Truly. Authentic. All of the time.

We hide. We hide a lot of ourselves. Often.

We hide behind fake smiles when we’re having a tough day.

We hide behind social media profile pictures.

We hide our love of professional rasslin because it may make us look like a weirdo.

We hide. Often.

At least I know I do.

And maybe I’m alone in this. Maybe I’m the only one hiding.

If that’s true, then I guess there’s no real need to continue reading this week!

But I’d like to think that this is a common mind game we play with ourselves in student affairs. We can’t truly unleash all of ourselves all of the time—that’d be too much for anyone to handle. That’d be too much for us to handle.

I can be authentic with my friends, with my family, with some colleagues—but in some situations, I am not me. I am generally an extroverted person with a lot of opinions; but in some mixed company, I shrink up, quiet down, and withdraw. I am often an oversharer, but there are situations where I force myself to actually withhold information from someone so that they do not view me in a negative or unappealing light.

It’s fear. And as Charles Bukowski simply stated, “we are afraid.” We are afraid of being ourselves because we are afraid of what others might think.

Even I can have a little bit of a dark side.

Sure, it’s possible for me (and many others in the Higher Ed realm) to be bubbly and positive all the time; but honestly, that takes a lot out of me.  Sometimes I don’t want to be positive. Sometimes I want to vent and find healing in my insecurities.

I don’t think it is a bad thing to be insecure. Our students are insecure—our students also aren’t perfect. We are insecure—and coincidentally, we aren’t perfect, either. And that’s okay—that’s where authenticity thrives!

Authenticity thrives in the vulnerability of recognizing your insecurities can be used to motivate you beyond your fears.

Obviously this isn’t an easy task and it took me learning about my own fears and faults—and through a few bouts of depression and anxiety—to be able to acknowledge this motivation; and now—thanks to the support of friends, family, and a lot of willpower—I can acknowledge that what may make me feel insecure in one moment, will serve as a defining source of strength in the future.

It reminds me of my favorite La Dispute lyric—“if my fear has kept me here, only my fear can set me free.”

I—like many current and potential #SAGrad students—have become quickly inundated with interviewing for summer internships. Interviews are situations where someone is most vulnerable at a time when they are supposed to be their most authentic self.

I find there is a fair amount of compromise of character and authenticity when interviewing. It’s terrifying to think about it like this, but we are selfish in our desire to be accepted into a new position that we desire so dearly that we compromise our values in order to seem like the perfect person for the job.

Now, in many ways I am authentic in interviews because I truly am eager to learn more. I am eager to try out a new position in a new environment—hell, I moved 3,000 miles for my grad school experience. That kinda shows some dedication. And honestly, I do have a lot of fun when I interview because I know that interviewers have to sit through so many candidates that it can probably get a boring or restless—so I try to keep things interesting.

Yet, some of my withdrawal in interviews comes from the fear of saying the wrong thing at the right time.

Does that make sense?

I’ve been on the other side of the equation, where I was interviewing people for a position and they said something that triggered me in just the wrong way at just the wrong time—it might’ve been a single word, a turn of phrase, or simply a tone of voice—regardless, I wasn’t impressed.

Maybe I was being too sensitive at the time, but that’s the fear that is constantly running through my head as I interview—especially as an oversharing extrovert with too much eccentric energy for one phone call or Skype interview to handle.  Interviews are sensitive matters where lots of words are said and many words are left unsaid—so the inner dialogue often takes over more often than not.

Am I being honest? Am I being pretentious?

Did I already say that? Am I being me?

Am I talking too much? Am I talking too little?

What was the question again?

Interviews are a necessary—and yet, frustratingly sensitive and vulnerable—aspect of our field. So the fear of the inner dialogue taking over is justified because our brains want to remind us of all of the things we practiced five minutes before the phone call and that can withdraw from our authenticity because we are not thinking fully about each question.

Instead, we try to answer the questions that weren’t asked.

I hope this post made sense.

I hoped to draw on the ideas of authenticity in a vulnerable way.

Maybe it worked. Let me know your thoughts!

Hope all is well.

- Craig.

Want to continue the conversation?

Find me on Twitter at @CrigBididman

Such Sweet Naivety

My Transition from a Deer in Headlights to a (somewhat) Paraprofessional

Me as the student body president at Oregon State's Convocation in 2010

There I was—or, am, I suppose—ready to take on the entire world and be all that and a bag of chips, you know? My eyes were set on dominating the world of Higher Education as a Student Affairs professional, but first I needed to be accepted into a graduate program.

So over a year ago, I applied. Naturally.

The end of January rolled around…

I received a denial letter. I was devastated.

I frantically looked over my resume, cover letters, and wept.

“What happens if all of the schools deny me?”

“Where will I go?” “What will I do?”

“WHAT IF NO ONE WANTS ME?!”

I was afraid of not being accepted.

It was middle school all over again.

It was high school all over again.

It was college…you get the point.

I hardly spoke to anyone who wasn’t my father or my partner.

Three days passed.

I received an acceptance letter. I relaxed.

Then I received another. And another.

Okay—I could breathe.

I visited and interviewed with institutions across the country. I talked a big game and felt confident in everything I had to say—no surprise there. I threw out higher ed/student affairs jargon that I’d picked up along my way through my undergraduate experiences as a student leader and really emphasized my charm.

Over-emphasized my charm.

I had to make up for the fact that I was scared out of my mind for what the future held. What I was most afraid of was that I wasn’t completely prepared to enter this field.

I was so naïve to think that I could just enter this field and understand everything expected of me and immediately hit the ground running with specific higher education topics. But it wasn’t until I later came into my own in graduate school that I would realize that it is okay to be afraid.

When I made my decision to attend UMass.

When I made the decision to attend UMass Amherst, I wasn’t completely sure how my actual development into a higher education professional would transform. All I knew was that this was the route for me. I could feel it.

But, as I said, I genuinely had no idea what it meant to me.

Until now.

One year later, I am changed.

I moved across the country, started a new life, and have made new friends.

I am in a rigorous Higher Education Administration MEd program and I am challenged every day to consider how I can one day change the landscape of higher education. I entered as a deer in headlights with no real understanding of what to expect—talked my big game, watched that fail, and now I and have become humbled by this experience.

I am in meetings with administrators who want my opinions on things.

I am on search committees.

I hold office hours.

I have also had many conversations with cohort colleagues, faculty, and friends about my insecurities and am now comfortable taking a few steps back before I run full speed ahead.

If I don’t have an answer, I ask for help.

I don’t just make one up.

Note: I am also working real hard at not man-terrupting anymore.

I regret ever being a naïve prospective grad student. However, looking back, it was inevitable.

I peruse Twitter and read about students on the #SAGradHunt and their fears are real. I’ve felt those fears. I was there last year.

The lack of sleep.

The inability to know what the future held.

The insecurity of being accepted into a program.

To those students, I repeat a timeless sentiment passed on to me during my grad school hunt:

Don’t stress, trust the process.

[UPDATE: I have since come to despise this phrase because I feel it gives people too much false hopes, while at the same time beleaguering others from moving forward in this field.]

I know I just rambled a bit after claiming to have been changed after one year of life—but that’s the nature of the mind: tangents.

Back to reality, I am changed because I now possess and continue to accumulate the vernacular to discuss and engage topics unlike one year ago when I grasped for straws to cling together two intangible ideas to create one somewhat coherent thought.

Last week.

One year ago I was afraid to competently confront and discuss a wide array of topics—white privilege, class, race, gender, finance, oppression, discrimination, etc… But you wouldn’t have been able to tell because I masked those insecurities with a level head and self-confidence—which I still often hide behind. Or, maybe those around could tell—I have no idea what my tells are anymore since I quit playing poker regularly.

And maybe I'm still a little naive—that's to be expected. I mean, I still have much learning ahead of me in my grad program and in my emergence into the world of being an actual professional in this field. Yet, I am going to continue focusing on learning everyday so that I continue to grow in confidence and experience.

However, I have found a common ground with my fellow #SAGrad colleagues in the reality that this is all a process. We must trust the process. We don’t have all of the answers. We probably won’t for a while, but that doesn’t mean we can’t ask for help.

We also don’t need to get too far ahead of ourselves, fellow grad students. Enjoy the process, enjoy learning. Be one with our experiences. Worry about the job search when it comes. For now, become the best you. Be authentic. Be you.

I hope some of this made sense.

Be well.

2013 Music Review, Pt. 005: Top Albums (25-01)

Here it is! The final list of my 2013 music year in review!

After writing about so much new music, it’s safe to say 2013 was an odd year in music. A lot of artists I had never heard of until this year made a big impression with me this year.

After wading through the ridiculously pretentious waters of hipster indie/shoegaze rock, noise rock, even some radio-friendly albums, and some ghastly attempts at metal/metalcore, I found a few gems and diamonds in the rough to claim as this year’s top music.

I gotta give a big thanks to anyone who has stuck it out with me throughout this process this year. I am more than thankful for the chance to share massive amounts of music with you all and I hope something in these lists were appealing to you.

This was a very challenging year for me to do this sort of excursion into music, given that I made a move across the country, started graduate school, and have had many new responsibilities with my professional life.

Regardless, thank you again.

Enjoy the last 25 picks!

25. Stories from Elsewhere, Rhian Sheehan

Released: March 07, 2013

If you are in need of someone to write a soundtrack for your everyday life, enlist the help of Rhian Sheehan. Sheehan creates of the most stunning compositions of neo-classical tunes. He brandishes pianos, anything with strings, and music boxes and devises soft, soothing, and delightful tunes. He is a one-man multi-instrumentalist orchestra.

Play: Rhian Sheehan - La Boi te a Musique

  

24. Kveikur, Sigur Ros

Released: June 17,2013

Earlier in the year, I laughingly stated that Sigur Rós might have released the heaviest album of the year. I sort of still stand by that statement because Kveikur (Icelandic for Candlewick) is remarkable change of pace for these post rock/atmospheric gods. The album takes many uncharacteristic mood swings and showcases a darker sound than past releases.

Play: Sigur Ros – Rafstraumur

23. Atlas: Darkness, Light, Space 1, Space 2 (All 4 EPs),

Sleeping at Last

Released: January 29, 2013; June 10, 2013; September 17, 2013; November 21, 2013

Yes, four EPs. But the 21 songs are startlingly consistent and beautifully written. Anyone unfamiliar with the music of Ryan O’Neal should know that he is incredibly tenacious in his work ethic. He constructs soft, chill, bright, comforting tunes that make any listener feel safe and composed.

Play: Sleeping At Last – Mercury

22. The Albatross, Foxing

Released: November 12, 2013

Perhaps leading the way in the emo revival is Foxing. The Albatross is a necessary album for anyone who has felt heartbreak or loss of any kind. Foxing seeks to work through complex emotions with somewhat simplistic, yet, relatable lyrics and stories.

Play: Foxing – Bit by a Dead Bee Pt. 2

21. The Hurry and the Harm, City and Colour

Released: June 04, 2013

In my book, Dallas Green can do no wrong. While The Hurry and the Harm doesn't reach the level of his masterwork, Bring Me Your Love, Green proves he is still an incredible composer of indie folk tunes. Ever since he added the full band, the growth and experimentation has not slowed down. Dallas continues to mature with each release, showing his willingness to create enlivened music with a purpose.

Play: City and Colour – Thirst

20. Common Courtesy, A Day to Remember

Released: October 08, 2013

I don’t know how much more blood and sweat can be poured into an ADTR album before they run out. While I haven’t really appreciated their live shows in the past, I can always appreciate the efforts of their albums. Common Courtesy serves as a testament to the band’s devotion to their craft with many reflections to life on the road.

Play: A Day To Remember – Sometimes You're the Hammer, Sometimes You're the Nail

19. Illumination Ritual, Appleseed Cast

Released: April 23, 2013

I lost track of Appleseed Cast a few years ago. I was following them through high school and went a different path, but I’m glad I found this album. Illumination Ritual is a groovy, experimental atmospheric post rock release with sprinklings of vocals here and there, in typical Appleseed Cast fashion.

Play: Appleseed Cast - Cathedral Rings

18. Everyday I Get Closer to the Light from Which I Came, Jesu

Released: September 23, 2013

This album is as beautiful as it is creepy. Everyday... is a spacious and patient probing of musical meanderings and discomfort. Just when I think I understand how chill this album can be, I'm hit with a sweeping reminder that Jesu is built on darkness. Jesu is instrumental, neo classical, post rock, post metal, post sludge, post doom, post-EVERYTHING!

Play: Jesu – Comforter

17. Entities, Pomegranate Tiger

Released: January 31, 2013

Instrumental prog metal just found a new act to praise. Despite the terrible band name, Pomegranate Tiger makes impressive jazz-inspired djent metal tunes that take on many different genres throughout the drawn-out experiences the band creates. If the opening lick of “New Breed” doesn’t give you chills, something may be wrong with your heart.

Play: Pomegranate Tiger – New Breed

  

16. Change Will Come, Least of These

Released: August 03, 2013

 Least of These is a little-known Indie post hardcore act that reminds me of every phase of As Cities Burns’ evolution as a band. Change Will Come is a lesson in perseverance and striving for becoming a stronger person through its overtly confessional style lyrics. Much aggression and emotion is present throughout the album, as the band masterfully envelopes feelings of isolation and determination through guttural screams and impressive clean vocals.

Play: Least Of These – This Is Confidence

15. Altered State, TesseracT

Released: May 28, 2013

I spent a lot of time with Altered State and I didn’t like it the first time I listened to it. However, I knew there was something here. And I was right. This UK prog metal act has constructed a ten-track album ripe with a sonically charged exploration of the human condition. “Of Matter—Resist” was one of my favorite tracks of 2013 because it includes so many layers that make this band so important to the metal scene.

Play: TesseracT – Of Matter – Resist

14. Beyond Was All Around Me, Young Man

Released: April 09, 2013

Young Man is the illegitimate brainchild of symmetry/symmetry, Kenny Vasoli (personL-inspired) and Pink Floyd spawning some downright inspiring experimental rock tunes. I haven’t been explicitly impressed with an album like this in a long time.

Play: Young Man – In Time

13. Living Mirrors, Disperse

Released: February 19, 2013

This album is a great example of being on Spotify and seeing a friend listening to a random band I’d never heard of and then I end up loving that band. Disperse is one of those in between metal bands. This album shows many signs of prog and djent metal, yet lacks any harsh vocals—instead showcases a powerful lead vocalist who harps over dazzling guitar work and explosive drums.

Play: Disperse - Message from Atlantis

[Note: This is where the list gets tight. Hardly any wiggle room between these choices.]

12. Mouthful of Swords, The Safety Fire

Released: June 05, 2013

I kept trying to deny this album but I kept coming back to it. I tried to resist its tasty licks and dominant vocals. But I was no match for the Safety Fire. Blending a mix of BTBAM and Animals as Leaders, Mouthful of Swords became a go-to album for any prog metal lover.

Play: The Safety Fire – Beware The Leopard (Jagwar)

11. Migrant, The Dear Hunter

Released: April 2, 2013

In 2011, I snubbed Casey Crescenzo by not truly appreciating his Color Spectrum mega album—which in hindsight is an incredible album and should’ve been higher on my 2011 list. Migrant is a conglomeration of everything the Dear Hunter has been and is becoming. Crescenzo is a mastermind of all things rock, jazz, folk, strings, horns, everything. The man is a master of everything. Not to mention that voice is to die for. Give it a shot. Let Casey sing to your soul.

Play: The Dear Hunter – Whisper

10. Repave, Volcano Choir

Released: September 03, 2013

It’s hard to get an eight-song LP perfect. One misstep and it can throw off the entire balance of an album. Luckily, Volcano Choir didn’t have that issue. The band, a conglomeration of Justin Vernon (Bon Iver) and post rock outfit, Collections of Colonies of Bees, enmeshed so many jaw-dropping moments within this 40-minute uplifting frolic through musical articulateness.

Play: Volcano Choir – Byegone

09. Yeezus, Kanye West

Released: June 18, 2013

Yep. Take this, haters. Kanye West in the top ten. For all the naysayers of King West, I have one message for you: Appreciate his music for what it is—a constantly evolving experience of avant garde hip hop. Yeezus very bluntly is a middle finger to the current state of hip hop—especially since King West, himself, said he didn’t want to create a song on this album that could be used as a marketable single. He challenges listeners and brings some of his strongest and daring material to date.

Play: Kanye West – New Slaves

08. Falling Bough Wisdom Teeth, Kiev

Released: October 22, 2013

Kiev is what would happen if Radiohead had an improvisational jazz horn section constructed into it. It’s incredible. Each track builds onto the next and for an up and coming act to have such a command on its style so early in the game, I am eager to see where this band goes from here. I only had 10 albums left to listen to before I was caught up with everything I had on my list from 2013. I figured my list was set. And then I got to this album. And it broke my list. I’m glad it did.

Play: Kiev – Ariah Being

07. Volition, Protest the Hero

Released: October 29, 2013

Protest the Hero has been around the metal core scene for a while now. I saw the band on its very first tour and my heart was stolen then and it is being stolen again with this new album. I was apprehensive to tackle Volition after the band put out a stinker a few years ago, Scurrilous. However, each track hits on all cylinders throughout this math metal masterpiece. The band has always been able to impressively 

Play: Protest The Hero – Clarity

06. Sunbather, deafheaven

Released: June 11, 2013

This is one of the most important metal albums of the millennium. deafheaven took to create an experience with its whirling dynamo of black metal meets atmospheric instrumental post rock. Like Sigur Rós, vocals often take on a different role with this music—serving as an extra instrument, instead of a perfectly constructed element of lyrical expression. deafheaven gives listeners the opportunity to rest from the chaos in many scattered moments of bright beauty before dropping listeners right back into the pandemonium.

Play: deafheaven - Sunbather

05. White Lighter, Typhoon

Released: August 20, 2013

Top five starts off with an essential release from Oregon’s own, Typhoon. This 12-person Indie orchestra is one of the most impressive acts in music today. This album chronicles the struggles of reality and mortality of lead singer, NAME NAME, as he battled Lyme disease last year. The songs tell absolutely lively and inspiring stories. Each song is uniquely vibrant and beautiful. For fans of Sufjan Stevens, Decemberists, and Modest Mouse.

Play: Typhoon – Artificial Light

04. For Now I am Winter, Ólafur Arnalds

Released: April 02, 2013

Stop what you’re doing and click the song below and watch the video for “Old Skin.” I’ll wait. This album is worth a listen from everyone on the planet. Ólafur Arnalds has carefully created the most whimsically elegant album of 2013. He brings his piano to life in magnificent ways. The atmosphere and ambience are on point. Each track featuring vocals from friend and composer, Arnór Dan, stand out as delightfully dominant compositions.

Play: Ólafur Arnalds - Old Skin

03. Is Survived By, Touché Amoré

Released: September 24, 2013

Many know my devotion to Touché Amoré, and I stand confident in my belief that TA creates some of the most impassioned, honest, and unrelenting music in the post hardcore/hardcore scene. Jeremy Bolm spends this entire under 30-minute album pondering life, mortality, and the difficulties of devoting one’s life to the love of artistic expression. The band went for a more spaciously atmospheric/accessible approach with Is Survived By, yet this doesn’t slow its ability to create some of heaviest music on the scene today.

Play: Touché Amoré - Harbor (Video)

02. Owel, Owel 

Released: April 02, 2013

Owel’s self-titled debut LP was probably the album I listened to the most in 2013. Owel makes solid experimental indie rock tunes that are comfortable, accessible, and ambitious. That’s the perfect word for this album—ambitious. For a debut album, it seems as though Owel already has it figured out. With no label, no major backing, they have a sound that should be on the radio, but isn’t. Again, I’m almost thankful for that. Regardless, Owel mixes styles of Copeland meets Explosions in the Sky and Dear Hunter. This album gives me hope for the future of music.

Play: Owel - Burning House

01. Winterwell, Mree

Released: August 06, 2013

I have tried to share this album with anyone and everyone who would listen. I am absolutely flabbergasted that this album and Mree have not become mainstream sensations yet. In a way, that makes me happy because I’d hate to see her artistic abilities limited in any way. The key factor in this album claiming number one is that I focus my attention on full albums, from beginning to end, and how the acts create a full experience. This album is a complete experience with no room to remove and element—for they are all necessary.

Mree (Marie Hsiao) is a 20-year old multi-instrumentalist who already had one LP under her belt before releasing this dazzling expression of life and love. Her airy voice is surprisingly strong when she belts out her choruses and beckons listeners to dig deeper within themselves to find the beauty in life. Watch her videos on Youtube, listen to this album, become one with these tracks. I am forever changed because of this album.

Play: Mree - Into the Well (video)

I’m thankful for those who read this…

This experience was incredible.

Catch up on the entire list:

- Pt. 001: Top Albums (EPs & Honorable Mentions)

- Pt. 002: Top Albums (100-76)

- Pt. 003: Top Albums (75-51)
- Pt. 004: Top Albums (50-26)