A comprehensive list of that which you need not include
Tis the season for folks applying to graduate school and
folks in their second year of grad school to fine tune their resume in time for
their respective searches.
With this, I wanted to supply some fun suggestions for elements
you may not want to include.
I know, I know—some of the things on this list are going to
be quite tempting.
But you must resist.
[NOTE: I shouldn’t have to say this, but I will anyway—THIS IS SATIRE!
I would never suggest you place any of these things on your resume. I’m just
having some fun.]
1. Years of Experience
Watching Netflix
Binge watching Netflix could be a full-time job.
However, Orange is the New Black, House of Cards, and the
Walking Dead won’t get your foot in the door with employers.
2. Using Exes as References
Sure—they are probably the most likely to provide an honest
answer about your character. However, it is probably in your best interest to
list former supervisors or anyone else you haven’t slept with/may want revenge
for breaking up with them unexpectedly. Just a thought.
3. Results to EVERY Buzzfeed
Quiz You’ve Ever Taken
No employer is interested in knowing that you are a cheese
pizza, or that the 90’s song you exemplify is “Wonderwall,” by Oasis, or that
you are 97% Midwestern.
Only list the relevant Buzzfeed Quiz results—like which
One Direction member you are.
I'm the tall one
I don't care.
4. List of Previous Novels
Read for Fun
HAHAHAHA! You think we read for fun anymore?
But seriously—I read “War all the Time,” by Charles
Bukowski.
Because I dig drifter poetry. HIRE ME!
5. Relevant Professional
Affiliations do not include Sports Organizations/Teams
I'm sure my New England friends would disagree with this one. But trust me! I want to list all of the relevant professional
wrestling factions I follow—WWE, WCW, ECW, TNA, CZW, PWG, CHIKARA, ROH—but I will reluctantly
refrain.
6. List of Celebrities You
Would Want To Portray You in an Autobiographical Biopic
 |
| Spot. On. |
Kevin Bacon—no, wait!
Jim Carrey—yes!
Nailed it.
7. Ability to Cook the Best
Top Ramen is NOT a Relevant Skill
Trust me—employers will more than likely assume this…
After all, grad students are often gods of three-minute
meals.
8. Ability to eat two
dozen hot wings is also not a relevant skill
Unless you did it on the Blazin’ level at Buffalo Wild
Wings.
Maybe then you could include it.
Because that’s an accomplishment.
9. PRs at the Gym
 |
| Unless you're the Rock. If so, always list your PRs. |
Sure, some job descriptions may list that you must be able
to occasionally lift 25lbs or so—this does not mean you have free reign to list
your weight room accomplishments, BRO!
10. Your Fastest Mile Time
Sure, you will probably have to run some errands, run to meetings, and run to catch the train. However, unless your time beats my fastest mile (5:53), you should
probably just skip placing this on your resume. And if you’d like to challenge me
to a foot race, BRING IT ON!
I’M NOT AFRAID OF YOU
11. Section for a Catalogued
List of your (impressive) Record Collection
 |
| This essentially qualifies as Erotica for me. |
I mean, I might include this in size 8 font because employers
MUST want to know I have a second press of Pink Floyd’s “Wish You Were Here.”
No? Dang…
12. List of your known
allergies/dietary restrictions.
File this under: Things that can come up during an on-campus
interview.
13. Coke or Pepsi Preference
Because a good employer will automatically know that Coke is
far superior.
Sorry, CM Punk—but you're wrong.
14. Social Security Number
Of all the numbers that should appear on your resume, this
is NOT one of them.
15. Amazon Wish List
You can learn a lot about a person about what is on their
Amazon Wish list—but a resume is no time share these private matters. Note: My list is purely comprised of vinyl records and student affairs books.
16. Pictures of your pets.
At the very least, a link to your instagram account will
suffice.
Note: My cat, Tux (pictured), can be found @CrigBididman.
17. Unless you intend for
your resume to trend, disregard hashtags
#SAGrad #SAChat #SASearch #SAPro #teamtwopages #studentaffairs
#highereducation #SAHE #HireMe
CAN I HAVE A JOB NOW?
End of list.
---- BONUS! ----
Do Not Use Comic Sans, Ever!
Hope this list was helpful or at least entertaining!
See you next time!
In the mean time, join the dialogue: @CrigBididman
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